just wondering

...
I wonder...

... why I haven't been more motivated to blog.

... why other bloggers aren't posting as much.

... why some bloggers have ceased to write completely.

... why comments have been so scarce.

... if my posts are lacking something, like interest.

... if I would be more motivated to write a post if I knew more people were reading it.

... if other bloggers have been less motivated, or if it's just the season of summer.

... what I can write about tomorrow.

Speaking of blogging, Michelle of Scribbit wrote a great post on what she's learned about blogging that has me wondering even more.
Check it out.

where does hate come from?

and
Why is there so much hate in the world?

This is what's been rattling around in my brain lately, ever since a white supremacist entered the Holocaust museum and opened fire, killing a security guard. He didn't just hate Jews, but his hate was so passionate that it drove him to want to kill those he hated. And a week before, a fanatic went into a church and shoots down an abortion doctor all in the name of pro-life. How can someone who proclaims to be pro-life snuff out a life? I don't understand hate and I definitely don't understand murder. How does someone have that much hate in them?

I googled "where does hate come from" and found a few interesting sites and tidbits of information. One shared theory is that all hatred arises from a story; there can be no hatred without a tale of woe to tell about how the hater has been wronged in some way. Others (professionals and otherwise) have stated that it comes from fear, ignorance, arrogance, a sense of superiority, upbringing, and/or insecurities.

I say it's a combination of at least some of these, if not all of them. In some ways, they're all intertwined with each other. That's why I wrote what I did in yesterday's post. I think ignorance is common. Judgement comes from ignorance. In fact, we can all look at that list and find one or more areas where we may personally struggle with. But I think it's safe to say that we don't allow it to become hate. Or maybe it does, to some degree. Maybe there's more hate in us common folk than we know or are willing to admit to. I don't know. Does anyone know?

I realize I'm asking questions that I'll never get clear answers to. I simply don't think there are any answers to the age old question of; Why does the seed of hate bloom in some but not others? It's just one of those sad facts of life. And it makes me feel sad for those who let hatred rule and ruin their lives.

God wants us to live a life of joy. There can be no true joy when hatred is present. In my humble opinion, true joy comes from love - loving and being loved. Imagine what this world would be like if we all practiced love more. Who knows how many lives might be changed? Who knows how much hate might be driven away?

Hate is easy.
Love takes courage.
...

i enjoy learning

Some have asked how my job's been going (thanks to those of you who have asked). I realized I haven't written about my job since those first couple of weeks where I wasn't sure if the schedule was going to work or if I was going to enjoy the job.

Quick recap: I took a job in October working for the school district as a tutor/mentor for a program called AVID. I only work two days a week which is perfect for me and my desire to have time to pursue other interests. I've now been doing this job for four months and have really come to enjoy the job and love the kids.

I'm also learning a lot about myself.

I was always a good student in school. Academics came easy for me and I really didn't have to work hard to get good grades - and I didn't. Therefore, I only did what I needed to to get by. Now I sit in these tutorial groups and listen to the students question what they're learning in their core subjects and find myself fascinated with what's being taught. Some of it I remember, other stuff is totally new to me.

What I'm enjoying is the process of learning. I enjoy learning!

Whether I know it or not, I tell the kids I don't remember "whatever" and to teach it to me. And they do (or at least try very hard to do so). There's been times when I actually wanted to ask them to ask me to work through a complex math problem - just because I love math. This makes me wonder how much smarter I could have been or where life would have taken me if I had been a more serious student .

Or I'm on the other end where I really enjoy working through a question or problem as a teacher, explaining it or getting the students to think it through so they can come to their own conclusions. I love it when you can practically see the light bulb going on as the kid "gets" it. It makes me wonder if I would have made a good teacher as I had once wanted to be.

I also have learned a lot more about middle school students than I had previously known from being a youth worker, but I'll save that for another post. I'm glad my time in a classroom isn't just about the students. I'm glad to know that I'm still teachable and I like learning new things about myself and the world around me.

eight is more than enough

Something has been bothering me for a little over a week now and as I've done in the past, if something is on my mind, I bring it here. I mostly do this to get it off my chest, but it also helps me to get different perspectives and insight by the comments that are left. So let me know what you think.

I know this will sound judgemental. Even though I try very hard not to judge others, I'm having a hard time not judging in this situation. I'm talking about the mother who had octuplets last week.

My first thoughts must have been what most people hearing the news would have thought; eight babies.... what a handful, or glad it's not me or that's incredible. I kept waiting for the pictures; of the babies, of the happy mother and father. I wanted to hear how this extraordinary event was going to change the lives of those involved - in challenging and wonderful ways.

As one day turned into the next and information about the mother started emerging, I became even more intrigued, and disturbed. It ends up that the mother is a single unemployed mom who already has six kids, all under the age of eight. She lives with her mom in a small (probably a two bedroom) house. Not ideal circumstances.

I can't help but wonder how she's going to manage giving the necessary care to fourteen children, eight of them infants. I want to know what kind of fertility clinic would help to impregnate a woman with her particular set of circumstances. I can only speculate why this woman would want another child and take the chance of having more than one.

I can't be the only one that thinks she acted irresponsibly and that those eight precious babies may be in trouble. I've heard she wants a TV deal, something like Jon & Kate plus 8. I guess if that happened, it would change her financial situation, but little else. I truly hope that it all works out some how. I really don't want to judge this woman. I just want what's best for those babies, as well as her other children.

brokenness

I watched Ted Haggard on Oprah yesterday and I can't get something he said out of my head. For those who may not know, Ted Haggard is the fallen pastor from a mega church here in Colorado who made the national news a while back admitting to being with a male prostitute and involved with drugs.

I've only seen him on Oprah even though he's done a few other interviews lately. I thought he was very candid and humble and although his situation has been detrimental to the message from the christian church, I will not judge him. It's not my place. There are too many specks in my eye.

In the interview, he mentioned that at one point, years before he acted out on his attractions, he went to the spiritual leaders of the church because he was worried and confused by his attraction to men and the urgings he was feeling. He went on to say that the only advice these (or at least some of these) leaders gave him was to work harder in the church, to commit himself more to doing God's work.

Of course, I don't know what was going on in the heads of these spiritual leaders or can't even know for sure this is what their advice was, but if it is true and the only advice these leaders could give, I find it incredibly sad.

It makes me wonder how many people out there that are hurting, to whatever degree, and have gone to the church for help, for guidance, for wisdom, and received such a nice and neat answer such as, "pray more," "believe more," or the worst, "work more on doing God's work."

Or how many people won't go to the church for help because they feel like only perfect people go to church. I can't help but wonder if we, as Christ's church, don't show our failings, our short comings, our struggles and challenges enough for the world to see that we are all broken. And it's because we are so broken that makes us realize that we need God's help and salvation.

I can't help but wonder how different life might have been for Ted Haggard if he had received different advice.

hi eddie

I have a favorite Bronco player. I guess I should say former Bronco player. His name is Ed McCaffrey - Eddie Mac as he's known by any Bronco fan. He retired from the game after the 2003-2004 season, but will always be one of the most beloved Bronco players of recent times.

So when he walked out of the sandwich shop this morning, right in front of me, I knew exactly who he was. He and his little boy walked down the walk as if they weren't anybody special. Maybe that's one of the reasons I've always admired him. He's a humble family man who just happened to be a great football player, helping the Broncos get to and win the Superbowl two years in a row.

This isn't the first time my path has crossed that of Eddie Mac. While he was still a player, my kids and I watched him work out in a pool at a local rec. center as the kids swam in the same pool. I had the same afterthoughts then as I do today...

Why didn't I say something to him? What would I have said to him? "Hello Mr. McCaffrey?" "Hi Eddie?" Those sound so.... stupid. Maybe I should have said something like, "You were my favorite, Eddie," or "The Broncos sure could have used you this year, Eddie." No, those sound pretty lame, too.

It's probably best that I didn't say anything at all, which makes me wonder what Eddie would want. Would he want to be left alone to go about his business? Or would he want someone to recognize him and tell him they miss him and his talents on the gridiron? Would there have been anything I could have said that told him I was an appreciative fan that still remembers him without sounding like a Bronco fanatic, stumbling over my own words?

I'll continue to think on that... so that the next time I cross his path, I'll have something witty to say instead of just staring after him and wishing I had said something.

smile and say hi

Jake told me last night (through text messages), that in one of the classes he's a learning assistant for, there's a kid he was once friends with in elementary school. In fact, very good friends. The two of them would occasionally go over to each other's homes to play and they invited each other to their birthday parties. They were in the same class for many years. But after they finished fifth grade, they went on to different middle schools and never saw each other again - until yesterday, in a freshman college class.

So I asked him what this kid's response was when he realized who Jake was and Jake's response was, "oh, I didn't say anything." What? I asked him why not and if he was planning to say something like, "hi, remember me, I'm Jake Varey." His response to me was, "no, I'm not planning on saying anything unless he says something to me first."

Although I think I would say something if I were in his shoes, I can kinda understand where he's coming from. In the past two days I've had situations where I've come into proximity of people I knew but didn't feel comfortable enough or it necessary for me to greet or instigate a conversation with.

The first situation was a neighbor and someone we used to go to church with. I only know the couple very casually and I wasn't sure they would truly recognize me, so I actually did my best to avoid them in the store. We ended up at the cashier at the same time but they never looked my way so I didn't speak up.

The second situation was a mother and sister of a kid from youth group in which I'm very close to. I know the mother well enough and have spoken to her countless times over the years, but I felt hesitant to call out her name and engage in a conversation. I think I felt guilty because she had surgery a few months back and I never followed up to see how she was doing or if I could help in any way. She ended up seeing me and we did have a short conversation before both of us headed into the same theater.

So, I know there's times when we don't want to make that first step in greeting someone or to see them at all, but I'm questioning whether that is good, or even right. God wants us to love our neighbors, and that doesn't just mean those who live in our neighborhood. How can we do that if we don't allow ourselves to be open and available to others?

If Jake doesn't ever take that first step of saying hi with an old classmate, how will he ever know what may lie beyond; what kind of relationship he and this old acquaintance could have, how his life may be enriched, or how he might minister to another person. It means that there are times when we have to step out of our comfort zone but knowing that there's a chance that we may be blessed by doing so, or that we may bless someone else.

These are just my thoughts on the subject. I'd love to hear yours.

my heart breaks

When it comes to teenagers, many situations break my heart. But one of the biggest heart breaks comes when seeing teens without hope. I've seen this in varying degrees and varying time periods. One day the kid thinks all is lost, and the very next day they can be on cloud nine. The longer you work with teens, the more you can recognize these mood swings and know that they are different than true hopelessness.

In a church/youth group environment, when a teen is experiencing such hopelessness, Don and I (individually or collectively) have been able to combat that condition with the hope that Christ gives us all. Not only have we prayed for the teen, but we could pray with him/her as well. I think this alone gave some hope to them. We could give them scripture to hold on to and meditate on. We could take them out for a coke and let them pour out their heart. We had so many resources, and I felt comfortable and knowledgeable.

I no longer work officially as a youth worker, but have a job where I have the privilege of working with middle school teens. I have now seen this hopelessness in some of the kids I work with. There's two girls that I really feel is suffering right now. They haven't shared much of their personal life (as a youth group kid probably would) but it's clear that they aren't happy, and that it's more than just a mood swing.

One symptom is that they have lost all motivation to be at school. They just don't see the need to be there, to learn, to push on to higher education (and at this point, that's high school). They don't do what's required of them, they don't participate in discussions, and they're grades are almost at rock bottom.

When I talk to them, I feel helpless to help them. I can't bring my faith into the conversation. I can't share the hope that God gives me. I can't even take them out for a coke to allow them the opportunity to talk. About all I can do is pray for them and continue to show I care by engaging them in conversation.

This has been weighing heavily on me. I want to help. I took this job with a request of God to use me, as He sees fit, to help the kids I come in contact with. Am I supposed to help these two girls? How? My prayer will continue to be that if this is what He wants, He will show me how and give me the opportunities.

In the mean time, my heart breaks.

who was lee?

I peered into the mirror, finishing putting on my make-up. I was in the bathhouse of the campground. A large room divided by old, crumbling walls and exposed pipes. Four showers on one wall and four toilet stalls on the other. I stood in the middle of the room, leaning over the sink, applying my mascara in the reflection of the dingy mirror.

I did not take much notice of the the little person as she entered the bathhouse and into the stall. I was busy with my make-up. The stall door opened and out flew this little person towards the sink to wash those little hands. There was a slight problem with reaching the faucet and I asked if I could help. The response was nothing like I expected.

"I am a boy!" she exclaimed.
"Really," I said, in my placating voice.
"Yes, I am a boy. My mom made me come into the girl's bathroom."

I took a quick mental note of what this little person looked like. Generic clothing that tended to look more female than male. A medium length ponytail. A typical child's face - no tale-tell signs of boy or girl.

"What is your name?" I asked, hoping that this would be a giveaway.
"Lee. And I'm an Indian." was her (his?) reply. No help there.
"Oh, nice to meet you Lee. I like your pants." They were the one piece of clothing that looked most like it came out of a little girl's closet.
"I don't. My mom makes me wear them and she makes me go into the girl's bathroom."
"Oh," was the only thing I could come up with at this point.

He/She finished washing those little hands, without any help. Then dried them, threw the paper in the trash, and said, "good bye." And that was that.

I thought about Lee for the rest of the day and ever since. Was Lee a girl or boy? Her family were not part of our group, but I did see her mom and dad around the campground. Her dad looked to be full-blooded Native American. He had a long ponytail.

She could have been a girl who wanted to be a boy or knew that her dad wanted a boy, so much that she lived her days as such. He could have been a boy who's mom wanted him to be a girl and dressed him and directed him as such. He/She could biologically be both male and female. There's a name for this; Hermaphrodite. And then at birth, the doctor has to make a decision on a gender and picks one as a best guess (assigned gender). Or she could be a little boy trapped in a girls body. Also known as Gender Identity Disorder (GID) or Gender Dysphoria.

I will never know the answer to who Lee was. I think I will always wonder. If it's the first answer I listed above, there's not much harm and I'm sure Lee will grow out of it and could go on to become her school's homecoming queen. But if the answer is any of the other three, it makes me sad. It makes me wonder what his or her life is going to look like as he or she grows older. What hardships will he or she face and have to overcome?

It makes me reflect on how many times we look at someone and think we know who they are, when we may not have a clue.

Lee was number 19/365 on my x365 project.

my comments have turned into a post

I write this with great trepidation. I'm nervous. I worry about judgement. I don't want to offend. I write this because I found myself stating my opinions as comments on too many blogs. I realized I should just put it out here on mine and invite thoughtful, respectful, and considerate discussion. It's okay to agree to disagree.

I have never been interested in politics. I have my personal views and opinions on the whole political system and the people who are involved within, and I have no desire to discuss that. I will have to say, though, that this election has been so different and I have found myself more interested.

My interest was piqued even more when Sarah Palin entered the scene. Knowing nothing about her before that fateful announcement, I have to say that I think I like her as a politician. She's a firecracker and I think she would be a great addition to the White House. I wonder about her limited experience as a politician but I don't think that disqualifies her to be a vice president and think she can add new and fresh perspective and vigor to a tired, old system. That, to me, is pretty exciting.

A lot of people think she's been scrutinized and judged too much. Maybe she has, maybe she hasn't. I think any candidate is put under the microscope and then the focus is on their personal life and issues as much as their political views. So, for a woman and mother to be put under this same microscope, we're going to get the discussions that we've been having. People say, "we wouldn't be judging a father of 5 if he were in this situation." I think that's true. But it would probably be a different situation. There would most likely be a mom at home to take care of the five children.

And that brings me to my only real issue with Governor Palin. Please keep in mind that this is just my personal opinion. I respect yours, please try to respect mine.

Sarah Palin is a mother, first and foremost. She may want to be a mayor, a governor, or even vice president first and foremost, but she can't. She made motherhood her first responsibility by the fact that she had children. I don't know for sure, but I don't think she would disagree with anything I just said. So for me, it's the priority factor that I see lacking.

I'm sure she would say that her family is a priority and I believe she's done a fantastic job of juggling the family and her political life. I think, though, that taking the office of Vice President would become the priority in her life. How could it not?

I do believe that mothers can work outside the home and still be wonderful mothers and raise well balanced children. But I think it's difficult. I am often amazed at how a working mom can find the energy, time, and desire to be a mom after the energy and time they just put into a job of some kind. I know how exhausted I used to be being a stay at home mom. I couldn't even imagine trying to do an outside the home job, too. Let's be honest moms... motherhood is exhausting.

And even though my personal opinion is that the best scenario is to have the mother stay at home with her children, I'm not saying that all moms should stay home. I'm a realist and I know that we all do what we have to do and I am not here to judge.

So, without trying to judge (I really am trying), I'm having a hard time seeing any mother of five children (not to even mention that two are dealing with special circumstances) take on two such important jobs at one time.

I think of what we, as moms, deal with on a daily basis as a plate. Our plates are all individualized but they are still a plate that only holds so much (we can't make our plates bigger). We have motherhood duties, household chores, maybe a job, volunteer work, or a special project. We have hobbies, kid's activities, things that are important to us such as exercising or church activities. We all know that we can only do so much in a 24 hour period. Oh, how we wish there was more time in the day, but there isn't. We heap onto our plates as much as we can. But, again, our plate only holds so much. When we add something, something else will fall off. We may not even realize that something has fallen off - but it has. Something is being neglected or forgotten.

So back to Sarah Palin. How much of her plate would being the Vice President of the U.S.A. take up? I don't want to pretend to know. But I'm questioning it. I question it because I think that being a mom of five children would, or should, take up most of that plate. I have a hard time not seeing that something important falling off her plate. And I care enough about her children, her as a mother and role model, and the office of Vice President to not question this.

If you are a mom I have some questions for you to reflect on. How many kids do you have? How much energy and time does it take you to be the best mom you can be? What are your children's special circumstances? Do you feel like you've mastered the job of motherhood? How exhausted are you at the end of the day? And two final questions... On top of what you're doing, do you think you could take on another job as big and important as Vice President? What would fall off your plate?

lady in the van

I am enjoying my x365 project. It's given me a chance to reflect on people who I haven't thought about in a long time or ones that mean a lot to me. It gives me the challenge of writing concisely in describing the person or our relationship. But I have found that sometimes 48 words just isn't enough for some people or situations. Here is once such person.

Today's post is Lady in the Van. I don't know her name. I only know a little bit about her, yet she has had a profound impact on me.

I know that she was raped many years ago. She walked into my church at some point after it happened, wanting to talk to someone (probably the Pastor). She ended up talking to another staff member. I casually asked this staff member about about her visit, not knowing anything about it. I was only told that she was recently raped. That's it.

This lady had a distinctive face. It ended up that I saw her at the grocery store some time later and noticed the van that she was driving. It is a very distinctive van - like one of a kind. And since that time, about 10 years ago, I have seen her so many times and in so many places around town, mostly in her van.

I see her so much that I can't help but ask why? I don't see other people at the same frequency as her; not nearly as often. So why do I see her all the time?

From the very beginning, I made a practice of saying a prayer for her whenever I saw her. I figured she would be having a hard time dealing with a rape and I would pray for everything from comfort to forgiveness (given to the rapist). But I've seen her so often, I started wondering if there was something else I should be doing. Why else would I be seeing her so often?

I've been faithful in my prayers for her. I don't know what else I can do. My prayers have changed over the years since I assume she has somewhat recovered from the rape. But I don't know anything else about her, so the prayers are pretty general. It's actually frustrating to not know why I see her so much and not know how to pray or not knowing if I should be doing something beyond praying.

When I come face to face with God, my first questions will be about this lady and why I've been connected to her in such a way. But I have a feeling He'll tell me it wasn't about the lady in the van, it was really about me and my service to Him.

bullied?

After the what's happened this last week with the little boy being "voted out" of his kindergarten class and finishing up the book 19 Minutes, about a school shooting carried out by a teenager who was bullied, I wanted to ask a question along these lines.

My question is...
Were you ever bullied during your school years? If so, share a little bit what it was for you, how you dealt with it, and how it affected you.

Don't worry how long your comment ends up being. And if you prefer to write a post about it, let me know so I can come read it.

Being a youth worker, I saw it a lot. I dealt with it as a mother of a daughter who lived through it. I even was a victim myself during my middle school years.

My family moved, just prior to my seventh grade, into a house that had been previously occupied by a popular girl who had a lot of friends - all in the "popular" group. Somehow they thought it was mine and my family's fault that this girl had to move away [stupid, I know].

Some kids vandalized our yard by burning a profane word into the grass and they made my life tough at school for the entire 7th grade. Luckily, it didn't get physical, but emotional bullying is worse. When the popular kids make it known that they don't like you, it's hard to convince other kids that you're an okay person who is worth having as a friend.

Luckily, I was used to being the odd man out. Being in a military family meant that I moved just about every year. I had previous experience with being the new kid and not having a bunch of friends. This was part of my reality of growing up and I actually think it made me stronger and a more flexible person. Would I change this part of my past if I could - yes. But I can't. And I think we have to embrace all of our past because it's made us who we are today.

Anyways, that's my story. What's yours?

Kailani, of An Island Life, hosts Aloha Friday each and every Friday. My question today is a little heavier than it's supposed to be, but I'm interested in this subject and took the liberty of using this forum for asking it. Be sure to visit the other participants and answer their interesting questions.

desperate measures

Have you seen this photo? It, and the story behind it, was all over the news networks yesterday. It was taken at an apartment fire in Germany where nine people perished (story and more pictures here).

Every time I saw this picture, or some of the other ones of the same event, my heart would skip a beat and I'd stop to ponder what the parents were thinking and how desperate they must have been when they dropped their baby from their fourth story window.

Seriously, could you drop your child out a window? I guess I would if I felt like the fire and/or smoke was about to over take me -AND- there was someone below who looked capable of catching my child and was ready to do so. But as I sit here on my comfortable couch, and in my safe home, I have a hard time imagining how I could actually let go of my infant knowing he/she would be falling at a fast rate to the ground below where a person I don't know will do his very best to catch my precious child who I love more than life itself.

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link of the day:
http://www.forbetterlife.org/

i can't decide how i feel

Today is a rare day. I'm doing two things that I don't usually do in my posts. One, embedding a YouTube video (I usually just leave a link) and two, talk politics. But today I'm doing both.

You may have already seen what's on the video. It's been all over the news and is currently a hot topic. The day before the New Hampshire primary, Hillary got emotional as she spoke with voters about how hard it is to balance a busy campaign life and her passion for the country's future.



I'm writing about this because I honestly don't know how I feel about it. We've had a few discussions here in my home on the subject. And there's been a lot of talk online where both sides of the issue have been very vocal about their feelings. A lot of people think it was staged. I DO NOT think it was staged.

It does show her as being vulnerable. But maybe that's a good thing. I like seeing her show some of her heart and not just her brain. I think her answer (shown on the video) shows passion and compassion. I just don't know if it also gave the impression of weakness. No one wants any signs of weakness in a president. I haven't decided who I'm voting for and this just makes it a little harder for me.

I'd love to hear what you think. But, please... don't get up on your soapbox or use this as a venue to promote your candidate of choice (I will delete comments if necessary). I'm just curious of how other women are feeling about this issue.

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link of the day:
http://www.panoramas.dk/fullscreen5/f52-times-square.html
(thanks Tee)

what is going on?

First, a shooting rampage in a mall in Omaha. Whenever I hear the ongoing news stories about this event, I think about it on a personal level. I've been to our local mall a few times in the past couple of weeks. That tragedy could have happened in any mall in the country. How unnerving it is to think you could be shot down by some lunatic who picked your favorite mall to use as a firing range. My heart goes out to those families who lost loved ones to such a senseless crime.

Now there's been two more senseless shootings, and these hit closer to home. And where is the one place you would feel safe - besides your home? A church, right? Well, that's where the gunman hit. At least the police feel it's the same gunman. They're still investigating.

Shortly after midnight, four people were shot at a YWAM (Youth with a Mission) dormitory located on the campus of a fairly large church in a city in the north part of Denver. Two of them died and the other two are in the hospital. They were shot because they would not allow this young man to stay the night in their facility.

About twelve hours later, a gunman opened fire in the lobby of a mega church in Colorado Springs, right after a service concluded. Reports said that at the time there were hundreds of people milling around and parents were picking up children from the nursery. There were about 7,000 people in total on the campus of the church. The gunman shot four people, killing one, before he was shot and killed by a security guard from the church. (The church had beefed up security because of the earlier shooting.)

I thought of my daughter immediately. She attends that church in Colorado Springs but on Friday nights, when they have a service/youth group for college aged kids. When I talked to her, she knew about the shootings and shared that a lot of her friends also go on Sunday mornings. In fact, her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend had left the church grounds about five minutes before the shootings.

What made it even more scarier is that Danielle had almost gone to this church today. She usually works at another church on Sunday mornings, but she didn't work this morning. She had decided not to go because she didn't want to drive the snow-packed streets. I am so happy and thankful that God was looking over her - protecting her.

So I'm back to my original question: What - is - going - on? How did we get to a place where we can't feel safe in our schools, in the malls, or at a place of worship? What makes a person want to go out and start shooting at people? I just don't understand it. It's enough to make me want to become a hermit and live out the rest of my days inside my comfortable - and safe - home.

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link of the day:
http://uploads.ungrounded.net/221000/221483_Play.swf

big city living

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If you didn't read my post yesterday, I would appreciate you doing so and giving me your opinion on an idea I've been playing around with. Thank you.

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I saw the new Jodie Foster movie, The Brave One, this last weekend. I really liked it. It's a little violent, so it's not for everyone, but if you can deal with that, it's an excellent movie. It's my opinion that Jodie Foster is one of the best actresses of our time. It would be my guess that she'll get an Academy Award nomination for her role in this movie.

Anyways, the movie has sparked, once again, my curiosity of what it would be like to live in a city. And what I mean by "in a city," I mean urban living, downtown, inner city.

There has always been a part of me that is attracted to that kind of living. Whenever we go to downtown Denver, for whatever reason, I can't help but observe and wonder about what it would be like to live there. I look up the lofts and fantasize what it would be like to live in one. I think there's an energy to the city that I would thrive on. At least part of me does.

The other part knows I enjoy living in a house, with a garage and a yard and a dog. I like having a quieter life that you have living in the suburbs or out in the country. I know I feel safer living where I do.

And yet, I still wonder what it would be like living in a big city environment. And until I do, I will always have this yearning to know what it's like.

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link of the day:
http://www.jpgmag.com/stories/1299

GIVING is on my mind

I wrote a post yesterday about what has been on my mind lately. It talked about my thoughts in general terms without getting very specific. It really wasn't intentional that way. It's just that I'm having a hard time making sense of it all and to try to articulate how I'm feeling seems impossible at the moment. Maybe over time, the random jumbled mess in my head will become more coherent and I can write about it.

Something I should have added to my post yesterday is how fascinating I find it that God puts things in front of me that resonates with the feelings or thoughts that I'm already dealing with. It's like I see and experience things through a filter that God has specially fit over my heart.

I mentioned that I had watched the Oprah show a couple of days ago where Bill Clinton was the guest. The whole show was about people who went above and beyond to help out others who were less fortunate. Mr. Clinton's new book entitled Giving had just been released and he shared that it was his opinion, and the premise of the book, that just one person can change the lives of many.

That's part of what I have been feeling and trying to figure out on a personal level. I want to be part of the change. I want to help others in a significant way. God must have something specific in mind because, being a youth worker, I'm already committed to and working towards helping people and hopefully changing lives. I get the feeling that God wants more or something else from me.

And then after I posted yesterday, fellow blogger Pam, of Pinnacles, Pitfalls, and Pottychairs, posted this simple and yet powerful post:

It's time to stop looking inward
and start looking God-ward!

What blessing
could you be
or difference
could you make
to His world,
one person
at a time?

Just wondering?

Wow! What are you trying to tell me, God?

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link of the day:
http://wvs.topleftpixel.com/flash/cntower_timelapse.swf

on my mind

Let me share what has been on mind of late...

It started last week when I visited our local parade of homes and it was made obvious how much money is wrapped up in some of the homes here around me. The next day there was a lot of media coverage on the anniversary of hurricane Katrina and how it continues to affect those that live in the areas that were hit. The contrast between these was so great that I couldn't get it out of my head. I wrote a post about it but didn't feel like I expressed all that I was feeling. I couldn't articulate all of my feelings.

As I have continued to reflect on this, I have experienced other situations or examples of people in need. To name a couple, I watched the movie The Ultimate Gift (highly recommend it) over the weekend and then the Oprah show yesterday where Bill Clinton was the guest (I will be purchasing his latest book). In trying to keep this short, I won't go into all the details. I'll just say that they both have me continuing to wrestle with all of my thoughts.

What do I mean by wrestling? I think that's what one does when they think God is trying to tell them something. That's where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out what God is telling me.

Maybe He's just trying to give me a bigger awareness of how many people in this world are truly in need. Maybe He's telling me I need to share more of my blessings. Or... maybe He's trying to tell me something more. That's really what I am wrestling with.

Some time within the next year, Don and I will be entering a new phase of our life. Not only will our youngest be leaving to attend college somewhere, but Don could be changing jobs and that may also mean a possible move, and we may be retiring from youth ministry. You see, I've been reflecting on all of this, too.

So is it just coincidence that these two trains of thought have collided in my head? I'm thinking not. Is God preparing me for something that I would have never thought of before? Possibly. What would that be? What would that look like? All I know, at this point, is that I can't dismiss some of the thoughts that have been rambling around in my head, and that my heart is very much engaged with these thoughts. And that I want to be open to God's leading. It's very scary but it's also a little exciting.


It's these kinds of thoughts that have been playing havoc inside my head lately. I had planned to eventually write a post about my thoughts, but was motivated to write it today from the prompt "on my mind" from TopBlogMag. If you haven't checked them out, do so now.

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link of the day:
http://www.kiva.org/

princess diana

Amber, over at Crazy Bloggin' Canuck, wrote a nice post on her thoughts about Princess Diana and finished it asking the reader where they were when they heard that Princess Diana had died. I've actually been thinking about the world's favorite princess a lot while seeing all the media coverage on the 10th anniversary of her death.

I always had a fondness for Lady Di. Part of it was that we shared the same name. Another was that Don and I were married the same year as she and Charles, which was 1981. Another was the fact that she was a real live princess, the dream of every little girl. And yet another is that she ended up becoming a woman of substance and one that I admired for so many reasons.

I remember exactly where I was when I heard of her death. Our family was on our annual Labor Day church camping trip (I'll have to write about that some other time). Someone that came up for the day broke the news to us. I remember just standing their in disbelief. I felt numb for the rest of the day. I arrived home the next day still feeling numb and feeling that the world had lost a great person.

Sometimes, it's hard to believe that 10 years has passed. It's been hard to watch all the controversies and conspiracy theories and the tattle tale books. Sometimes it's hard to remember her smile and numerous humanitarian acts. It's hard to think about how much more good she would have brought to the world had she lived.

So, I'll ask you the same as Amber asked; where were you when you heard the news? And if you want to share; what are your feelings regarding the late Princess Diana?

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link of the day:
http://www.time.com/time/daily/special/diana/

some thoughts on blogging

I've been doing a lot of thinking about blogging. The more blogs I read, the more I reflect on the whole phenomenon of blogging. Here are just some of my thoughts.

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Ginger, of Just A Thought, posted some statistics the other day that were pretty amazing. She shared that in the year 2005, the total daily posting was roughly 500,000. One year later, it was nearly 1.2 million. At that rate, it should be somewhere around 2.5 million this year. That's a lot of people blogging.

And just as God made each and every one of us unique, it should go without saying that each and every blog out there is unique. I think that is why I read so many. They are all so different - as different as we all are from each other. I think we learn more about the people of this world by reading about their individual worlds.

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I came across something interesting this week. It's called blog for a year and I encourage you to check it out because, who knows, it may be something you're interested in. In a nutshell, it's a site that is trying to raise money so they can then award a portion of it to whoever is the top blogger, by means of votes. The winner gets $80,000 (or half of whatever is raised by January 1, 2008) to blog for an entire year.

I'll be honest, I thought about tossing my name into the hat as I perused the site. I decided not to for several reasons. The biggest one being that I didn't want the pressure of having to post everyday and having those posts good enough that people would want to read.

That makes me wonder what all it takes for people to find your blog and then continue reading it. I think I have a good handle on what it all takes, but just wanted to mention it because I'm always thinking about it. Like when I visit someone's blog, I look around, read a few posts, and wonder, "what makes this blog so popular?" Sometimes I can figure it out, sometimes I can't.

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I didn't give my post of the week for last week. so here it is: a mom's prayer for the first day of school.

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I was honored to be a guest blogger this past week. I wrote a post for Multi-Tasking Moms about something that is close to my heart.... families. If you haven't read it already, hop on over there.

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Have you noticed anything about this post? Different from any of my previous posts? Look around before you read the next paragraph.

Did you spot it? I used capitalization! I haven't used it before because that was the way I was used to typing. See, I type to a lot of teens online - sometimes 3-6 at a time. It just got easier and faster to type without having to capitalize. But I've come to the conclusion that blog posts are easier to read when the proper words are capitalized. Harder to type, but I'll get used to it.

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link of the day:
http://www.friendship.com.au/