the hope in it

Thank you to everyone who commented to my last two posts. You all brought some good stuff to the table. Not only do I appreciate hearing the different views, but I think it benefits all who read them. Here are the rest of my thoughts on this subject.

Yesterday I wrote about the reality of middle school and the kids who attend. I believe most of the girlfriend-boyfriend relationships are in name only. And even though they're in name only, they can turn out bad.

Many times a boy and girl who were friends and then decided to become a boyfriend-girlfriend find themselves not talking to each other at all because they don't know how to handle the expectations of having this status. They "break-up" quickly and unfortunately, their friendship can't withstand the fallout.

Even though I believe most of these relationships (and I obviously use that term loosely), there are those kids who take it to a deeper level. Since they are so young, most of it is experimenting and doing what they think is expected of them, since being in a "relationship." But as all adults know, that usually leads to trouble. The facts is; there are sexually active kids in middle school.

That is why it's important to be in touch with what's happening in your child's environment and lay a foundation of communication, discipline, respect and trust - and all this has to happen before your child goes into his/her middle school years.

I'm a firm believer in communication - mutual communication. I needed to know what my kids were thinking and feeling and experiencing in order to know why they reacted in a certain way or how to help them with something. Likewise, I wanted my kids to know why we made certain decisions, why we had to say no, and what we expected from them. If you have this foundation already in place when your child gets to middle school, it helps to navigate through this turbulent and bewildering period.

If you have guidelines for dating, you should communicate that as early as possible. I have a friend whose kids knew, from the time they learned to talk, that they were not allowed to date one on one until they were 16. There was never any need to try to negotiate. That's just the way it was. It worked because that rule wasn't all of a sudden sprung on them when they were at the age when they were watching their peers have boyfriends and girlfriends. They also communicated to their children why they had this policy and why it was important to them. They didn't just say, "because I'm the parent and I say so." They did it will love and logic.

My son had a girlfriend when he was 13, but we did a lot of talking about what it meant to be a boyfriend and was was expected from him. We met her family and got to know them very well (luckily, we liked them a lot). He and his girlfriend only did things in a group setting, most of the time with other friends and then other times with one of the families. I truly believe he learned personal, relational, and social skills during this time. They were allowed some freedom within a closely watched and regulated environment.

Did I know everything that went on - no. Did he tell me everything that was on his mind - I'm sure not. But we were able to talk about a lot that I think helped him understand relationships. I honestly don't think we would have had some of those same conversations if he were in high school. By that time, kids think they know it all and don't need their parents.

What I didn't address here, but what I feel is true, is that there is a difference between boys and girls when it comes to this subject. How much self esteem a girl has, and how empowered she feels, will play a role when it comes to wanting the acceptance and fitting in, thus having a boy friend. I could write another post on this subject, so I'm not going to go on. This post is long enough =)

I wouldn't presume to tell anyone how to parent their children. And I sincerely hope no one feels that way by what I've written. I recognize that we all parent differently and no one knows our kids better than we do, as parents. These are just my thoughts, personal opinions, and experience. Thank you again for your input. I enjoy reading each and every comment.

the reality of it

My question today is the same one I posed in my post yesterday. I didn't get much feedback (where is everyone?), so I thought I'd post it again today under the Aloha Friday meme.

Is it appropriate for a 13 year old to have a boyfriend or girlfriend? and At what age is it appropriate for your child to have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Here's my two cents on the subject and let me preface it by saying that this is just my opinion but it comes with experience and some knowledge as a parent of two teenagers and a youthworker who has worked with middle school students for eight years.

I remember being flabbergasted when I first started working with middle schoolers and realized that boys and girls were calling each other boyfriends and girlfriends. The concept was not only hard for me to grasp but I had strong feelings that these kids were just too young to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. But by hanging out with these kids, I learned some things.

Let me first say this; the preadolescence and adolescent years of a kid today is different than when the parents experienced these same years, no matter what the age of the parents. Children are developing at a younger age than ever before, and this includes hormonal changes. This means there is a natural attraction to the opposite sex at a younger age, most of the time starting in elementary school.

By the time a child turns 13 (or younger), he/she has already been dealing with these attractions for some time. Middle School gives a child the opportunity to be social and experiment a little with the emotions they are feeling. The name of the game in middle school is fitting in, and if most kids are being social with the opposite sex and then having a boyfriend or girlfriend, believe me, that's what your kid will want to do, too.

A middle school student is trying to figure out who they are and where and how they fit in. They don't want to be different. They want to do and be like their friends, or worse - those popular kids. Add to that the fact that they have a natural attraction to those of the opposite sex, and you get boyfriends and girlfriends.

BUT WAIT! ...having a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't necessarily mean what you think it does. It's been my experience that having a boyfriend or girlfriend is an 'in name only' status for most kids. Of course, there are the exceptions, but most kids don't know what a relationship of that magnitude is supposed to look or feel like. Because of this, and other reasons, most boyfriend-girlfriend combinations don't last more than a week or so. That's because they don't know what they're supposed to do.

As bizarre as this is, it is what life looks like for a middle school student in a public or private school. Obviously, home schooled kids have a different environment. And as much as we, as parents, probably don't approve of this, there are social skills that they are learning through this process. I don't know as much about this aspect, but I'd venture to say that these skills are useful as they go into high school and are thrown deeper into the world of boy-girl relationships and "real" dating.

This has become a lot longer than I could have imagined and I still have more to say; my personal experience with my son when he was 13 and had a girlfriend and what I think parents can and should be doing, no matter what age their kids are. I will continue with these thoughts in tomorrow's post. Please come back to get my full answer to the original question. And thank you for all your comments on this subject. I truly believe we can all learn from each other with an open and respectful conversation.

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link of the day:
http://www.clubmom.com/go/tweens

another weigh in

As I was perusing blogs today, I came across Is It Just Me?, a well written blog by JustRandi. A week ago or so, she posted a question that generated much conversation and has kept me reflecting on it the rest of the day. So I thought I'd pose the question here as I'm curious as to what you think about the issue.

So here's the question JustRandi posed: Is it appropriate for a 13 year old to have a boyfriend or girlfriend? And I'll add; at what age is it appropriate for your child to have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

I'd encourage you to read the comments left for JustRandi's post and then JustRandi's followup post explaining her feelings. It's interesting and thought provoking reading. As with the other weigh-ins, I ask that you be considerate and respectful in your comments.

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link of the day:
http://www.politics4moms.blogspot.com/